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I Am Undone

1 – Prologue

“May it be the real I who speaks. May it be the real Thou that I speak to.”

(C.S. Lewis, from “Letters to Malcolm; Chiefly On Prayer”)

2 – The Oil Press

I swore I would never walk away
But you knew we were in the dawn of rupture
Oh the unbelief, the prideful insecurities that speak
They hush the You in me, oh forgive me, please forgive me

How many limbs do you need?
Well I can’t be your hands cause I cut off my feet
And I’m haunted by memories and phantom unease
Of moments I’ve wasted and lies I’ve believed

And where else would I go? With every mercy you have shown
I’m fearing this harvest I have sown and my time is so short so please make it yours

You wept in the garden when you knew your fate
And the weight of man’s redemption was a burden you were soon to take
How can love be silent while his brothers fade
So there are times when heaven sends a saint to hell

I need to be the body
I’m meant to be the blood
But how can they partake if
I am running from this cup

You wept in the garden when you knew your fate
And the weight of man’s redemption was a burden you were soon to take
Love cannot be silent while his brothers fade
So these are times when heaven sends a saint through hell

Awaken me
Oh please, help me believe
You are all that I need
Please God, help them believe

3 – Lest We Die

My neighbor is a better man than I
And from your hands do all good things derive
So if my heart should swell
And of itself think well
Then humble me till I am fully thine

There’s war within my fragile skin
A violent revolt for mastery over my soul
Control is the strong man’s hoax
Skill and wealth are my only hope
A selfish grasping for worthless thrones
And it tells me “I am greatest”

So I gave it not one inch
Still it spread throughout my limbs
For my solace in the victory
Was the proof of my defeat

Who is worth anything apart from you?
Who could own anything?

My neighbor is a better man than I
And from your hands do all good things derive
So if my heart should swell
And of itself think well
Then humble me till I am fully thine

I’ve been turning wine to water
And crippling my healthy brothers
I’m walking on the ocean floor
And stirring up the fiercest storms

No I did not pour out these tides
Or tell these planets to align
My breath could never give new life
So why am I so full of pride

4 – The Lover and the Thief

My neighbor is a better man than I
And from your hands do all good things derive
So if my heart should swell
And of itself think well
Then humble me till I am fully thine

There’s war within my fragile skin
A violent revolt for mastery over my soul
Control is the strong man’s hoax
Skill and wealth are my only hope
A selfish grasping for worthless thrones
And it tells me “I am greatest”

So I gave it not one inch
Still it spread throughout my limbs
For my solace in the victory
Was the proof of my defeat

Who is worth anything apart from you?
Who could own anything?

My neighbor is a better man than I
And from your hands do all good things derive
So if my heart should swell
And of itself think well
Then humble me till I am fully thine

I’ve been turning wine to water
And crippling my healthy brothers
I’m walking on the ocean floor
And stirring up the fiercest storms

No I did not pour out these tides
Or tell these planets to align
My breath could never give new life
So why am I so full of pride

- For Emily, and all those who shared her love.

5 – Perelandra

6 – You Know We All Love You

You’ll paint this town black with the laws that you craft
Then turn it all red with the fires they set

As faith consents to arrogance
You name their plague with elegance
The judgment’s made but don’t forget
‘You were never one of them’

We’re all trying
To find our way in the dark
But your lanterns look more like torches
And your rescue coercion and you stand so confident
If he’s so holy why aren’t you trembling?

The fire’s is in your house!
And there’s no time left to sort this out
All of us are guilty men
There is no line between us and them
There’s no place for entitlement
For mercy falls on shattered men
and God will crush the prideful ones
I never knew you

Fear and trembling brothers

7 – Our Little Girl

I can’t make you happy anymore
And it will take less effort to leave
Than carry on with this burden
Of being your joy
And it would be lying to say
That you’re still worth it to me

Every word that we’ve said
Fell so hard at our feet
Every move that we made
This should have been enough
And this fruit hangs so low
It just wants to let go
Oh, it swells with a poison
That used to be love
This used to be love, oh…

Small betrayals and these orphaned deeds unattached to love
Are pulling this home, into the ground and we are in the walls

Your love tastes like blood left from blows you never landed
And all my affection is a swarm of duty and guilt
And this will destroy you and I will stand like a stranger
Who never adored you

So I lay in this bed beside your body
But miles of words and deeds lie in between
And should we brave that space to find each other
We’d have to meet the ghosts of our conceit

(We speak words to calm our ears
That all we loved was never there)

Every word that we’ve said
Fell so hard at our feet
Every move that we made
This should have been enough
And this fruit hangs so low
It just wants to let go
Oh, it swells with a poison
This used to be love
It should have been enough, oh…

(Based on a short story by Kent Walter called The Painting)

8 – Men In Little Houses

We cannot begin to see the realms beyond periphery
These ghosts and odd anomalies that whisper of reality

But modern man is so adept at skimming past the ocean’s depths
From shoal to shore but still convinced

We can’t feel the spinning underneath
This globe rotates and no one perceives
We’re so small but man always believes
we are the center, measure of all things

If this is where we lie, some place between the matter and the mystified
And only foolish minds would attempt to fit the universe inside

Maybe all our lives are founded in the moments that escape our eyes
And prudent hearts will find that there is beauty in the mysteries of life

We are so small

9 – Communion

Lovers’ eyes are meant to gaze
Convey the weight of a poet’s praise
And hands designed to hold
To say what lips cannot

Lovers live for embrace
Their forms enjoined as their pulses race
Their forms are steady and sure
And this act, their bond restores
And it’s love without remorse

I’m told that you hold all things
And without you that I’d cease to be
Oh my lover I feel alone, and though I know these are primitive needs
I still need you here to hold me

A cup, a candle and this bread
A table for remembrance
The quiet awe of penitence
The still refrain of broken men

In this moment weakness speaks
I feel the weight of my being
And for the moment you release
The particles in everything

I am undone

I’m told that you hold all things
And without you that I’d cease to be
Oh my Jesus I feel alone, and I know these are primitive needs
But I still need you here to hold me

But You don’t just hold me
You hold me together

(To the community God has given us as his hands and feet. You are his body and you are beautiful.)

10 – You Became I

I once knew that everything around me leapt for you
And I spoke with fiery tongue of heavens fall and of your kingdom come
The words I was saying were leaving with ease but countered the actions that follow my feet
Oh the seduction of meaningless things

I’ve been eating from gravesides
Swearing oaths to the fairest of moons
Trading masters by firelight
And sleeping in their tombs

All creation waits – Aching for the day
(Earth, the sky, and savage tide will vanish under heavens rise – falling, fading)
There is no escape – From what the author fates
(Greater souls than we conceive – Concern themselves with our retreat)

I’ve been drifting in my words
I’ve been shifting my affection to whatever love may call my name
Babel were your men so dim
To build their gods and worship them
Erect escape in increments
And place their faith in intellect

Now we’ve been weeping at gravesides
Swearing hope is an island away
Just a spark for the firelight
To keep despair at bay

My brothers, we are foolish
If this is how we think we can exist, there is no hope
We are all hopeless, we are broken
No tower built could ever save our souls
There is no hope, there is no

All creation waits
Aching for the day
(Falling, fading)
There is no escape
From what the author fates
(Falling, fading)

We’ve been living in shadows
Soon exposed to the light
Our existence will rupture
When the maker arrives
Every vanity shattered
Every galaxy frayed
We will suffer no longer
In these delicate frames

But no man knows the season or the time
And fault will find us all in guilty lives
And only mercy can a hope provide
Return, Repent,
Before deep heaven falls upon our heads.

11 – -

These bones, my frame, won’t hold in place
They’d leave and part ways
If I was without you

This earth, my home, would be alone
There’d be no moon to share the galaxy
If it was without you

My God. I am not, but you are.

What was it like when you prayed
Did the rivers calm when the raging seas obeyed?

What was it like when you slept
Did the rocks come close and the trees lean in
And did the air rejoice just to be your breath?

My God. I am not, but you are.

When your servant tried to ask your name
But a million words could not contain
And the meaning could not be expressed
For the weight would be too much to take

So you cradled him, like you cradle me and whispered

I am

Oh My God! I am not, but you are.

12 – It’s At Times Like This I Realize That Survival is Not Enough

A man who thirsts cannot expect
To find a well and drink till quenched
For tragic spans may take his breath
Before he reaches journey’s end

But in his heart he always knew
That somewhere waters rest

A lover’s heart may not suppose
That he will win the one he chose
For earnest heart and token’s rose
May never stir her love to grow

But unrequited hearts believe
That love will find them yet

Well worlds that I have never seen
Still call to me and haunt my dreams
And quiet things still stir belief
That you, alone, are home for me

So I may never see your shores
But such a place exists